Valentine’s Day Story Contest Finalists

By   |  February 11, 2009

cupid-picWith bated breath.  Man, I should have made that the title of this column.  But then people would have wondered what happened to my promise to publish the story finalists.  Kind of like people are wondering what happened to Obama’s promise to not hire lobbyists or people who didn’t pay taxes.  Don’t get me wrong, I am still an Obamaphile, but come on, it can’t be that hard to find a tax paying cabinet nominee…can it?

I have a good solution for this that I’d like to propose.  Who remembers Robin Hood Prince of Thieves?  Great movie, mediocre accents.  Yes, that one.  So Robin (Kevin Costner) and Duncan (Walter Sparrow) and Azeem (Morgan Freeman) are crossing through Sherwood and they get ambushed by Little John (Nick Brimble) and his crew.

Robin refuses to pay a tax to cross the river so Little John hits him in the crotch with a giant wooden pole.  Man oh man, those were the days.  We could avoid all this uproar if Obama would just send Rahm over to Daschle and Geitner with a long pole and get it over with.

Ooo, ooo, and I used to have a t-shirt that said “No crying, absolutely never.”  And then in really little print below that it said “unless you receive a blow to the nuts.”

So, in sum:  Rahm + stick + Little John style punishment for transgressing nominees = permission to cry publicly = USA can start fixing health care and banking disaster.

And now, back to the moment you’ve all been waiting for with bated breath (yes, by the way, it’s spelled bated, not baited, from the verb to bate, which is a contraction of abate, which means to decrease and approach zero.  Hence, bated breath being akin to almost not breathing in anticipation).  Following are the two finalists for winner of the first annual Love Dub Valentine’s Day story competition.  Finalists were chosen based on strictly subjective criteria by the entire international staff of Love Dub in a double secret triple blind ballot.  Stories were condensed, edited, and screened to fit your newspaper.

Send in your votes by Sunday the 15th to [email protected] and help choose the winner of this most prestigious of contests.  One vote per email address, no purchase necessary.  Put “Story 1” or “Story 2” in your subject line.

1.    Note-orious
A few years ago I started dating a guy in mid-January or so.  Things weren’t super serious but they were going pretty well I’d say.  I remember thinking he was a little more into it than I was but not so much that it was a turnoff.

A week before Valentine’s Day I told him I didn’t want to make a big thing of it, he didn’t have to get me a present or flowers, we could just cook dinner together and watch a movie or something.  He seemed relieved—don’t know exactly how I felt about that.

Anyway, he must have decided really last minute that maybe I was just saying that I didn’t care…or maybe one of his friends told him that girls always say that whether or not they mean it or something.

Anyway, he shows up with a big box of chocolates all wrapped up in gold wrapping paper that he had obviously done himself (it wasn’t neat enough to be from a store) and a ribbon on top.

I acted really surprised and excited even though I don’t even really like those little boxes of chocolates.  They all taste the same to me you know?  Like what’s the difference between praline and almond truffle stuffed caramel paste when they’re both covered in an inch of gooey chocolate?

Anyways, I open the thing up and there’s a card inside the wrapping paper, on top of the box of chocolates.  I said “a card too, awww” and looked up at him.  And his face went totally white and his eyes went real wide like his heart had just jumped up into his throat.

I had no idea what was going on so I just went ahead and opened the card.  He was sort of sputtering and made a weak attempt to say something that must have been an attempt to stop me, but I think he was too flustered to actually do anything.

The point is, the card wasn’t to me.  It was to some other girl.  Long story short, this was a box of chocolates he had bought A YEAR AGO for his ex-girlfriend and then never given her because she broke up with him a day before Valentine’s Day.  The dolt forgot he had put the card in there and put the box away in his closet.  He came across it recently and figured he could give me the candy this year.  GROSS on so many levels.

2.    Statuesque
Okay, this is crazy but totally true.  I’m givin you the short version but let me know if you want more to jazz it up.  So I meet this guy at a bar and he’s all VIP and trying to impress me with expensive drinks and all that.  Okay, sometimes I like to have a sugar daddy from time to time, so sue me.

Anyway, he was actually a nice guy underneath all the rah rah alpha male cockiness and so when he asked to take me to dinner the next weekend I went.  Blah blah blah and we started dating and it turns out he’s not just rich but owns all kinds of businesses and who knows what and is like too much money don’t know what to do with it rich.

But even with all the gifts and meals and all that I don’t know, I just wasn’t that into it after a couple months and I think he felt that vibe coming from me and decided he really was going to try to impress me.  So he gives me a ticket to fly first class to Vegas to meet him for Valentine’s Day.  Well, honey, I am not turning that kinda deal down anytime soon.

But here’s the best part.  He tries to make it all romantic and mysterious, has a guy with a limo meet me at the airport, take me to the Bellagio, there’s a note at the reception with a key and telling me what room to go to up in one of the ridonculous suites.  So I get up there, walk in, and guess what’s in the middle of the living room?

A life sized chocolate statue of me.  Nope honey I am not kiddin.  And as if that wasn’t loony enough, it gets better.  The thing was supposed to be holding a champagne glass with actual foaming champagne, pumped up through the inside of the statue and out the bottom of the cup.  But something went wrong with the contraption and the champagne was leaking out inside the statue (the body musta been hollow) and by the time I got there it was dripping out of the statue.  The legs were solid so the liquid was pooling inside the body and dripping out…of the crotch.

So there I am, in Vegas, in the penthouse of the Bellagio, with a life sized chocolate statue of me pissin champagne all over the rug.  Honey, I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or go put a bucket under the thing.  One thing’s for sure, I will never forget that Valentine’s Day.

Votes to [email protected]

This story also at www.lifeaccordingtojed.blogspot.com and in UCSF Synapse at www.ucsf.edu/synapse

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