Valentine’s Day 2010 Cancelled!

By   |  April 1, 2009

broken-heartIn an unprecedented move, the Obama administration announced today that it was canceling Valentine’s Day in 2010.

In an afternoon news conference, held ironically enough in the Rose Garden, the President and Treasury Secretary Geithner somberly explained their rational.

“The economy is in freefall and millions of Americans are in danger of losing their homes.  We need people to focus and to spend money on the things that matter most, not on frivolous boxes of chocolates and superfluous bouquets of roses” said Geithner.

However, in a shocking snafu that is sure to make its way onto YouTube within thirty or forty seconds, Geithner later said to an aide, when he thought his microphone had been turned off, “Nobody’s showin me any love, now we’ll see how they like it.  Bam!”

When asked for his opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts said, “Valentine’s Day?  That’s what it’s called?  And all this time I thought it was Day of Valentines.”  Neurologists at the University of California at San Francisco are working on a grant application for funding to study this apparently new form of aphasia that they are, for now, calling “Wordordernosia”.

The reaction across the country was mixed.  The weird kid in Mrs. Turner’s first grade class who never gets any Valentine’s Day cards despite the fact that Mrs. Turner makes it mandatory to give one to everyone, was reportedly thrilled.  When asked why he was so happy he responded simply by eating some of his own boogers.

The CEO of Cadbury Chocolates International was reportedly undergoing a series of premature ventricular contractions when he heard the news until he was reminded by his secretary that Cadbury cream eggs are sold on Easter, not Valentine’s Day, and that nobody buys any of the rest of Cadbury’s chocolate anyway.  At that point his cardiologist reports that he spontaneously re-entered normal sinus rhythm.

Meanwhile, lovers across the nation were outraged.  A love organization known as AOL (American Organization for Love) is taking time away from their ongoing copyright lawsuit with America On-Line to organize a kisses across America protest.  The idea is that a chain of Americans will form a human bridge from San Francisco to Washington DC with every person kissing the person on their right and on their left.

When it was explained to the organizers that it would be extremely difficult, if not outright impossible, for a person to simultaneously kiss two people on either side of him, they responded by turning up the volume on their megaphones and shouting “One Two Three Four, We will kiss and kiss some more!”

And, at AIG headquarters, plans that had been underway to give next year’s bonuses in the form of chocolate covered thousand dollar bills on Valentine’s Day were rapidly being scrapped.  No new plan has been settled on yet, but an inside source says the leading contender right now is diamond studded backpacks for “take your kid to work day”.

If you have ideas for how to spend your newly freed up February 14th, you can post them on our website at www.lifeaccordingtojed.blogspot.com or send them to [email protected].

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6 Comments on “Valentine’s Day 2010 Cancelled!”  (RSS)

  1. Loved the article. Don’t know whether or not you have seen the latest Constitutional Amendment being proposed. The amendment of course would have to be passed by all 50 states, but, it requires that all elected senators and representatives could pass no law that we have to comply with unless they also have to comply with the same laws. This includes them having to sign in for the same health care insurance program they want us to sign up for.

    Sounds like a great idea to me. Did you also notice they want all of us to buy health insurance and if you don’t they will come get you. How?
    They are going to have the IRS enforce this requirement so you will have to report on your tax return whether you own insurance and guess what? If you don’t expect the IRS to come levy your bank accounts or seize your assets to pay for the insurance.

    Lots of love coming for this upcoming 2010 Valentine’s Day as they hope to have health care passed by then.

  2. though obama did ban candy cigarettes. :/ a*****e!

  3. Thank you, and happy April Fools, to all

  4. funny stuff

  5. april fools sucker

  6. Funny! And a perfect picture of politicians who can’t figure out what to do just…doing something, anything, whatever!

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