In the vast world that exists under the covers, perhaps nothing is so misunderstood as premature ejaculation – a condition where certain men have trouble lasting very long in bed. It is the butt of an endless onslaught of jokes and the cause of just as many worries, as millions of guys around the world continue to lose all kinds of natural confidence with every new “enhancement drug” that is released.
According to Wikipedia, the condition is often considered to exist when a man reaches climax before his sexual partner does, in more than 50% of their bedroom encounters. PE has also been described (somewhat erroneously) as occurring if a man reaches climax within two minutes of penetration; however, a survey by Alfred Kinsey in the 1950s demonstrated that up to three quarters of men in the world reach climax over 50% of the time within two minutes. All this to say, today most sex therapists simply understand premature ejaculation as occuring whenever a lack of control interferes with the well-being of one or both romantic partners. Wow!
Here’s the point fellas: Nearly all men have “suffered” from some form of poor bedroom performance at some point in their life, if they are sexually active. Lucky for all of us, there are some small, yet quite helpful, tips we can try to improve our love-making skills:
1. Squeeze your willy! (It’s scientific.) Perhaps the most practical tip around. If you squeeze your p*nis just below the head during bedroom activity, you can significantly reduce blood flow, which is the main cause of over-stimulation. Plus, the head of the p*nis is the most sensitive part in general, so it all kind of works out. Simply squeeze gently for a good 5-30 seconds (however much time you can spare). Just don’t do it in such a way that, well, gets you off.
2. Think disgusting thoughts. Definitely not practical, but hey, it really works for some guys. Look down and imagine you are sticking it in Quasimodo or something. I don’t know, you decide. Anything that makes you want to throw up and is a complete turn-off… go for it.
3. Cause pain to your body. Okay let’s qualify that tip: cause pain to your body somewhere else besides your shlong! For the record, this is also a good way to pass a polygraph test while lying – and for the same reasons. It distracts your brain to focus on the most urgent matter at hand, which is ALWAYS pain. Biting your tongue is usually a favorite strategy, and probably the easiest to perform while under the sheets.
4. Only go tip deep. Recall Vince Vaughn’s monologue in “The Wedding Crashers” … where he proposes playing “a little game called ‘just the tip’ … just for a second!”… yah, you get the point. This takes some practice to find the angle that still feels good to her, but also gives him a small break from the “deeper” action. Anyway, good luck with your experimentation.
5. Go slower sometimes. Seriously. It’s a simple tip, but it’s one that we all forget when the lights go out. You aren’t in a race! Not only do you not always need to be in “deep” but you also don’t always need to go fast. A little change-up in speed never hurt nobody – and in fact, most girls will probably appreciate a little down time. It becomes a bit of a mental game as the minutes tick onward, so show some self-control and work on your pace.
7. Take some sort of break. Some of you might wonder how Fabio can last for 45 minutes in that latest Jenna Jameson video. Well if you cut out the 25 minutes of slap and tickle in the beginning, and factor out the 5 different drugs he took before the shoot, you’ll notice quite a few camera angle changes. This is because the average porn video is actually filmed across 3 days of shooting! So stop beating yourself up. Fabio’s other trick is that he takes frequent “breaks” whether it be from changing positions, grabbin’ a BJ here and there, and what not. The point is that if you want to last *super* long, you are going to need some regular breaks.
8. Clear the tubes beforehand. If you don’t want to be a minuteman on a big date, or screw up a romantic night with your woman, then it never hurts to unload your gun before you go out, and it usually helps you last longer later on. There is really no better way to illustrate this point than quoting from “There’s Something About Mary”…
Ted: Cause I’m tired…
Dom: Wrong! It’s ’cause you ain’t got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will f*ck you’re head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man’s life are the few minutes after he’s blown his load – now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you’re no longer trying to get laid, you’re actually… you’re thinking like a girl, and girls love that.
9. Practice flexing your pubococcygeus. This is probably the best kept sex secret in the entire universe. Both men and women have what are commonly referred to as Kegel muscles, named after Dr. Arnold Kegel. These are the muscles that you squeeze when you are trying to stop peeing mid-stream! It’s nearly impossible for most males, because we never practice flexing them. If you can build up strength and control of these muscles, however, not only can you learn to “hold in” your ejaculation for longer, but you can also have larger ejaculations because you will be able to blast more semen out of your system – and farther. Not only so, but rumor has it that some guys have learned to jack themselves off using only their Kegel muscles. Talk about weird sh*t.
10. If all else fails… drugs. Okay, this is somewhat of a joke as we hope you don’t give up on the above methods. However, if you do finally give in and have tried everything, you might as well give some drugs a go. There are absolutely TONS these days, so do your research first. Some of them merely give you a massive b*ner and might make it harder for you to last longer – who knows. Others are designed specifically for bigger org*sms or for lasting longer, or both, or neither.
Good luck, you motorboatin’ son of a b*tch!
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